UCLA Archives Box 39

 Please send this letter to the following: 

Administrative Vice Chancellor
Michael Beck
adminvc@ucla.edu

Associate University Librarian for Collections, Research Data
Todd C. Grappone 
grappone@library.ucla.edu

Library Special Collections
Maxwell Zupke 
zupkem@library.ucla.edu

Library Special Collections Archivist
Kelly Besser
kellybesser@library.ucla.edu

Computer Resource and Visual Communications Specialist
Caroline Cube
pinky@library.ucla.edu

LSC Archivist
Douglas Johnson
dejohnson@library.ucla.edu

Joan Greenson Aebi
Daughter of Ralph Greenson
Joan Greenson

Katie Aebi Rodriguez
Granddaughter of Dr. Ralph Greenson
karodriguez@pasadena.edu

UCLA Media
media@stratcomm.ucla.edu

UCLA Chancellor
Chancellor@ucla.edu

I am writing to you today as a concerned citizen and researcher with a deep interest in the ongoing investigation into the death of Marilyn Monroe. For decades, the circumstances surrounding her passing have been shrouded in mystery and suspicion, with many, including myself, believing that the official narrative of suicide is incomplete and possibly inaccurate.

Ariel Investigations, like that of countless others, has revealed troubling inconsistencies and suspicious circumstances, particularly regarding the lack of a suicide note and discrepancies in witness testimonies regarding the location of Marilyn's body.

However, the existence of Box 39, housed within your Special Collections, genuinely fuels my belief that the truth about Marilyn's death remains hidden. The limited access to this box revealed a collection of articles, books, and letters, all centered around Marilyn Monroe and her death, demonstrating the deep obsession of her psychiatrist, Dr. Greenson.

Most notably, Ariel discovered the existence of a manuscript written by Joan Greenson, Dr. Greenson's daughter, supposedly contained within Box 39. This document offers a unique and crucial perspective on the night Marilyn died. Joan claims in her manuscript that her father received the call at midnight, contradicting the official timeline and aligning with witness accounts suggesting an ambulance arrived around 11:30 pm.

The fact that this crucial manuscript and all of the contents of Box 39 remain sealed raises serious concerns. The mystery of why these materials are kept hidden, especially considering that the key individuals involved are potentially deceased, begs further investigation.

I believe that the contents of Box 39 could hold the key to unlocking the truth about Marilyn Monroe's death, potentially revealing the events that led to her untimely demise and, possibly, those who were involved. The public deserves access to this information.

I urge you to reconsider the decision to keep Box 39 sealed. It is a matter of historical accuracy, a tribute to Marilyn's legacy, and a quest for the truth. Please open Box 39 for public access, allowing researchers and the general public to examine the materials.

People Are Mad About the Marilyn Monroe Biopic, Here’s the Truth - SO THEY SAY

When Playboy founder Hugh Hefner died in 2017 his interment took place in Los Angeles, at Westwood Memorial Park. Hefner was laid to rest in a crypt he had purchased in 1992, next to that of Hollywood legend Marilyn Monroe. Monroe had appeared on the cover, and as the first n-u-d-e centerfold, for the magazine’s first issue in December, 1953. Contrary to popular belief, Monroe did not pose for the then unknown Playboy. Hefner purchased existing photographs of the star for inclusion in his new magazine. The man who became famous as “Hef” simply exploited her image to help launch his publishing and entertainment empire. His use of Monroe’s image was part of a pattern which continues six decades after her death.

Marilyn Monroe has captivated the world since she first appeared on film in the 1950s, for her looks, her fragility, her relationships with powerful men, the tragic circumstances of her life, and for the mysterious circumstances of her untimely death. She became the epitome of the Hollywood “blonde bombshell”, though she was not the first, nor hardly the last. Her image, as fashioned by Andy Warhol, became a cultural icon in the 1970s. Her legend is a blend of fact, fiction, unsubstantiated rumors, innuendo, exploitation, surmise, and simple gossip. 

Yet in all, the real Marilyn Monroe is overwhelmed.In 2000, a novel by Joyce Carol Oates was released, creating a new, fictionalized, Marilyn Monroe. Oates created fictional identities for many of the characters in her novel, leaving it to the reader to discern their real-life counterpart (such as “C” for Tony Curtis; or the ex-athlete for Joe DiMaggio). Her heavily fictionalized and salacious tale was the basis for a made for TV movie in 2001, and for the 2022 film Blonde. The novel and films exploit, and expand upon, legends, myths, and factually unsupported stories from the life of Marilyn Monroe, unfortunately believed by many to be biographical rather than sensational fabrication. Here is the story of Marilyn Monroe and some of the unsupported tales told about her over the decades since her death.

Norma Jeane Mortenson was born on June 1, 1926, to Gladys Pearl Baker, a Mexican migrant worker. Young Norma Jeane was the result of a workplace affair between her mother and coworker Charles Gifford. The father did not acknowledge his responsibility nor paternity, and Gladys was at the time married, to her second husband, a man named Martin Mortenson. Fatherhood was not high on Mortenson’s list of priorities either; he vanished from Norma Jeane’s life following a divorce from her mother in 1928. Norma and her mother lived with friends off and on during her childhood, and Gladys moved from job to job. Eventually she was able to purchase a small home for herself and her daughter, in Hollywood in 1933.

The following year, when Norma was 17, her mother suffered what was then euphemistically called a “nervous breakdown”. It was the beginning bout with paranoid schizophrenia which would keep Gladys institutionalized for the rest of her life. The state of California took over responsibility for Norma; the teenager became a ward of the state, residing in different foster homes over the ensuing four years, as well as in an orphanage between homes.

In 1942 Norma’s foster family was transferred for employment reasons. California law prevented Norma, still a minor and a ward of the state, from accompanying them. Faced with a return to an orphanage, Norma opted for marriage to free herself from state control. On June 19, 1942, the then 16 year-old married James Dougherty, then employed in defense work in Los Angeles. Norma quit high school (she had attended Van Nuys High but was an indifferent student) and lived with her new husband. Dougherty enlisted in the United States Merchant Marine in 1943, and the couple moved to a home in Catalina. The following year he went to sea, and Norma entered a defense factory, one of the thousand of American housewives who became “Rosie the Riveter” during the war years.

It was while working for the Radioplane Company that Norma began her modelling career. She quit her defense job in January 1945, posing instead for morale boosting photographs of life on the home front. In August, with the war coming to an end, Norma signed with an agency to work full-time as a model and sometime actress. She was soon in demand as a model for pin-ups, post cards, and advertising. In 1946 Norma dyed her reddish-brown hair, becoming a blonde, and had its natural curls straightened. That same year she drew the attention of Hollywood producer Daryl F. Zanuck. With a six-month acting contract in hand, Norma adopted the stage name Marilyn Monroe, divorced her sailor husband, and embarked on her new career. By then she had appeared on the cover of nearly three dozen magazines.

Marilyn took her career as an actor seriously, and assiduously studied her new craft. Hollywood, in the form of the moguls still exploiting the studio system, were little impressed with her abilities on screen. Instead, Marilyn was used as a hostess for Hollywood parties and gatherings, tasked with “entertaining” motion picture moguls and their would-be investors. Small parts in musicals and a few low-budget stage productions whetted her appetite for an acting career, but roles eluded her. In 1948 she signed a contract with Columbia, though she continued to find little demand for her in films. She did find that Columbia executives wanted her to fill the time-honored image of the “blonde bombshell”.

Columbia lightened her hair still further, creating the platinum blonde look which remained throughout her career. Following the end of her Columbia contract she returned to modelling, including posing for n-u-d-e calendars and pinups. She also worked in advertising, under the tutelages of the William Morris Agency and its vice-president Johnny Hyde. Hyde became her mentor, lover, and chief promoter. It was under his guidance she finally landed roles in major Hollywood productions, including All About Eve and The Asphalt Jungle, though her roles were small. Hyde used the good reviews she garnered to negotiate a contract with 20th Century Fox, for seven years. Shortly after Marilyn signed with Fox Hyde died of a heart attack, leaving her emotionally devastated and without a champion in the studios of Hollywood.

Although Marilyn’s roles were often stereotyped in the early 1950s, that of the dazzling blonde primarily in the film as comic relief and to brighten up the sets, her star began to rise. Critics, including the influential New York Times film critic Bosley Crowther, praised her work. Crowther called her “superb” in the Fox film As Young as You Feel, though the picture was only moderately successful. But audiences noticed the blonde despite the paucity of screen time. So did fellow Hollywood stars. By 1952 Marilyn was known for dating several of Hollywood’s leading men, including Yul Brynner, Peter Lawford, director Nicholas Ray, William Holden, and former New York Yankees star Joe Dimaggio.

By 1953 she was still without a critically acclaimed film performance, yet she was a major star. Scandals over her admission to having posed naked for photographers did little to slow her rising to stardom. She also provided titillating interviews, claiming she often chose not to wear any undergarments in an age when most mature women routinely wore girdles. She was provocative and at the same time innocent, combining sexual allure with childlike naivete, creating her own image in defiance of the blonde bombshell reputation preferred by the studio moguls in Hollywood.

In 1953 Marilyn Monroe emerged as a major Hollywood star, her image both exploited by the studios and by the actor herself. The studios wanted a “dumb blonde” image, sexy and stupid. Marilyn delivered in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes and How to Marry a Millionaire. That same year Hugh Hefner used Marilyn’s image on the cover of the first issue of his new magazine, Playboy. He also presented naked photos of the actor within the magazine, taken years earlier and purchased from the photographer. Hefner’s exploitation of the star’s rising popularity ensured the success of his venture.

Marilyn’s successes in 1953 led to her being in demand for other roles, as well as public appearances, but it also led to her being typecast. Marilyn resented the “dumb blonde” image studio executives viewed as bankable, and actively sought other types of roles. The blonde bombshell sex symbol image was another matter. She exploited her allure, using it and its box office power to demand roles which would cement her position as a serious dramatic actress.

After her major successes in 1953 Marilyn began to develop a reputation as being demanding and difficult to work with. Through the public was unaware of it, she relied on several drugs to get her through the day, medicating against insomnia, depression, and other concealed problems. She also dated several men in and around Hollywood, though by 1952 she was in a relationship with Joe DiMaggio.

In addition to her major film successes in 1953, Marilyn appeared on television, with her first appearance on The Jack Benny Show. In January 1954, 20th Century Fox studio head Daryl F. Zanuck suspended her contract following her refusal to perform in another film which exploited her success in the typecast role of the dumb but sexy blonde. Monroe had refused the role in the film The Girl in Pink Tights. In response, Monroe fled to San Francisco, where she married Joe DiMaggio on January 14, 1954. Both her suspension and marriage were front page news.

After their marriage DiMaggio and Monroe traveled to Japan, he to meet commitments previously made to train and evaluate Japanese baseball teams and players. Marilyn took the opportunity to remind Zanuck and other studio executives of her immense popularity. She embarked on a tour to entertain American troops in Japan and Korea. By the time she returned to the United States she was among the most popular entertainers in the world. That spring, Photoplay Magazine named her its Most Popular Female Star.

Marilyn leveraged her popularity to receive a more favorable contract with Zanuck and Fox, which included a $100,000 (about $1.03 million today) bonus and more control over her film roles. In many ways it was revenge for Zanuck forcing her to appear in dumb blonde roles, as well as his despicable use of the “casting couch”.  In exchange, she agreed to appear in the film There’s No Business Like Show Business, a role she despised but Zanuck demanded she do for having refused to appear in The Girl in Pink Tights. She also received a role in The Seven Year Itch, which led to one of the most iconic images of her career.

By mid-1954 the marriage of Joe DiMaggio and Marilyn Monroe was in trouble. DiMaggio resented the constant press coverage and the demands of her career on his wife, and was deemed by Marilyn’s friends in the industry to be controlling and possibly abusive. While filming The Seven Year Itch in September, Monroe used the famous scene where the subway trains blow up her skirt as a publicity event. Among the fans and photographers who were present for the scene’s filming was a seething DiMaggio.

It was the last straw, though it was Marilyn who filed for divorce the following month, after just nine months of marriage to the former Yankee’s superstar. Their relationship remained cordial, though Marilyn dated several other men, among them New York playwright Arthur Miller. With Miller’s encouragement and support, Marilyn teamed with Milton Greene, a photographer, and formed a production company named Marilyn Monroe Productions (MMP). The new company put her into a legal conflict with 20th Century Fox which began in early 1955 and increased the pressures on the star.From the early 1950s Marilyn Monroe relied on several different medications to cope with the pressures of her career, her relationships, and her fragile mental condition. Following the collapse of her marriage to DiMaggio her use of prescription drugs increased. She began studying acting under Lee Strasberg and his wife, Paula Strasberg. Strasberg demanded Monroe enter psychoanalysis. Strasberg believed psychoanalysis would help Marilyn confront her personal demons, and the experience could then be used to improve her performances as an actor.

Instead, Marilyn grew increasingly unwell, both emotionally and physically. The legal battle with Fox added to her troubles. By the end of 1955 MMP and Fox arrived at an agreement which led to a new contract for Marilyn. In October of that year her divorce from DiMaggio was finalized, and Marilyn’s relationship with Arthur Miller grew deeper. Miller had been listed as a communist by the FBI, which then opened a file on Marilyn which eventually grew to hundreds of entries and continued to the end of her life in 1962.As 1956 began Marilyn Monroe’s new contract with Fox was announced. The press touted it as a major victory for Monroe. The press, which had been for the most part derisive of her year-long battle with the studio now called her a shrewd business operator (TIME Magazine) and a champion of the individual over the corporation. Meanwhile the far-right press began to question her loyalties based on her increasingly public relationship with Arthur Miller, a known communist sympathizer. Columnist Walter Winchell called her a “darling of the left-wing intelligentsia”, the latter descriptive a conservative code name for communists.

Through her position as head of MMP Marilyn had greater creative control of her films, including the choice of director. She also had control over script changes and rewrites, and her demanding persona on-site led to difficulties with film crews and fellow actors. She was also chronically late to the set, causing delays in filming which exasperated studio executives and her drug use often left her incapable of remembering her lines while performing. Nonetheless, critics began to regard her as a serious dramatic actor, beginning with the film Bus Stop (1956) and continuing through the rest of the decade.In June 1956, Marilyn married for the third time, to playwright Arthur Miller. Miller was Jewish, and Marilyn studied under a rabbi prior to the marriage, converting to Judaism in July. Their marriage, like her previous two, was troubled from the start. Marilyn went to England to film The Prince and the Showgirl with Laurence Olivier, and problems between the two stars made for an uncomfortable and difficult filming. Olivier demanded Marilyn play the role similarly to the way Vivien Leigh had done in the stage version.

According to some biographers Monroe suffered a miscarriage during the production of The Prince and the Showgirl. Her dependence on drugs increased and when the film was completed Marilyn took a year and a half away from films. During the period of recovery she and Miller resided in New York, with time off in Connecticut and Long Island. Her health continued to deteriorate; diagnosed with endometriosis (a disease of the reproductive system) she suffered another miscarriage as well as an ectopic pregnancy. Her illness exacerbated her mental state, and her drug use spiraled out of control.In 1957, Marilyn suffered an overdose of barbiturates which required hospitalization and rest for over a month. Despite her remaining away from Hollywood and filming her marriage to Miller was strained. Her mental condition continued to deteriorate, her reliance on drugs and psychiatric care increased. In 1958 she returned to acting. During the production of Some Like It Hot, with Jack Lemmon and Tony Curtis, she often arrived late to the set, too drugged to remember her lines. She demanded multiple retakes of her scenes, antagonizing her fellow actors and director Billy Wilder. Curtis claimed he had an affair with Monroe during the filming.

Despite the difficulties Some Like It Hot proved a major success with the public and critics, and remains in many lists as one of the greatest American films ever made. Marilyn followed it with Let’s Make Love in 1959. During filming of Let’s Make Love Marilyn had an affair with Yves Montand, with whom she appeared in the film. The affair was not a discreet one. Widely reported in the press and denied by neither participant, it helped bring about the end of her third marriage.In 1960, Marilyn began filming The Misfits, with Clark Gable and Montgomery Clift. Written by her husband, Arthur Miller, the filming was troubled. Problems on the set were largely caused by the dissolution of her marriage to Miller, her demanding rewrites of numerous scenes, and Gable’s own ill health. It was to be his last film. Clark Gable died just days after the film was completed in November, 1960.

Although nobody knew it at the time, it was also the last film Marilyn Monroe completed during her lifetime. Following its completion Monroe went to Mexico to obtain a quick divorce from Miller, abandoned her Judaism studies and practice, and entered a period of steadily declining health, both mental and physical. She underwent surgery for her endometriosis and other related problems and spent hospitalized for mental health issues. She began work on other projects, but health problems prevented their completion and they were abandoned.

During 1962 Marilyn’s health problems led to delays in several projects, including a film in which she was to star with Dean Martin, Something’s Got to Give. Monroe’s health problems included sinusitis, which prevented her working, though the studio publicly claimed she was faking her illness. In May 1962 she appeared at a birthday gala and fundraiser for President John F. Kennedy, at which she sang Happy Birthday to JFK in a famously sultry, sexy manner, wearing a skin tight dress which made her appear n-u-d-e under the television lights.

Following that appearance Marilyn filmed a scene for Something’s Got to Give in which she swam naked in a pool, generating considerable publicity. By then the film was so far behind schedule that Fox fired Marilyn, replacing her with Lee Remick. Dean Martin refused to continue the production without Marilyn, and Fox sued both stars for compensation. Monroe eventually settled with Fox and planned another film to be shot later that summer. She also sat for interviews with Life Magazine and Cosmopolitan that summer in an attempt to counteract the negative publicity which had accompanied her firing. Something’s Got to Give was scheduled to resume shooting late in 1962.

On August 5 1962, Marilyn Monroe was found dead in her bedroom in Brentwood, California. Her body was discovered by her psychiatrist, who arrived at the home after being called by Monroe’s housekeeper. Her autopsy revealed she had died on the evening of August 4, from an overdose of barbiturates. After testimony from several doctors who had treated her over the years, Marilyn’s death was classed as a probable suicide. She had a history of overdoses, both accidental and likely deliberate, as well as a history of violent mood swings and suicidal thoughts, according to her doctors.

At the time of her death the public knew little of her history with depression and drugs. The studio’s publicity machine had largely kept such issues private. The sudden nature of her death, and her relatively young age (36) led to what became the legend of Marilyn Monroe. An industry arose over the star, one in which she was either an exploited, abused victim of the studio system and the rich and powerful, or a sex and drug addled exploiter of powerful men. Marilyn was no longer a movie star, she was a legend which continues to grow 60 years after her death.

Rumors of an affair between President John F. Kennedy and Marilyn Monroe began in the 1960s, after both of them died. Later they expanded to include a subsequent affair between Robert Kennedy and Monroe. Like most stories regarding the Kennedy brothers, there is a great deal of anecdotal evidence regarding the affairs, but little in the way of hard evidence. One story, which apparently began with a Hollywood hairdresser, even alleged Bobby Kennedy visited Marilyn at her home on the day she died, supposedly to end their affair.

Confirmed details of the relationship between JFK and Marilyn Monroe are virtually non-existent. The same is true regarding an RFK-Monroe affair. And there is virtually no evidence beyond scandal-mongering and malicious gossip that either of the Kennedy brothers had anything to do with Monroe’s death, as has been alleged. For those who believe such rumors the absence of factual evidence is immaterial. For them, the Kennedy brothers are just two of the rich and powerful men who exploited Marilyn before cavalierly discarding her, a tragic theme of her short life.n 1973 a coffee table sized book largely of photographs of Marilyn Monroe in 1962 appeared. Titled Marilyn, it contained text of approximately 93,000 words written by Norman Mailer. Mailer claimed in his “biography” that Monroe had been involved in a long-term affair with Robert Kennedy, and that Kennedy had her killed when she threatened to go public with the story. Mailer cited no evidence, other than having learned the story from an earlier biography of Monroe.

In July 1973, Mailer sat for an interview by Mike Wallace for CBS’s news magazine program 60 Minutes. Wallace asked Mailer to describe what the writer believed to have been the circumstances of Monroe’s death. “I’d say that it was a 10-1 that Marilyn’s death was an accidental suicide”, Mailer stated. Pressed on why he had written otherwise in Marilyn, Mailer responded. “I needed money very badly”. The book, with its allegations about RFK, remained in print for decades despite its author’s recanting his own work.

Although Marilyn had known Frank Sinatra for many years, going back to her earliest days in Hollywood, she was not romantically linked to the singer and actor until the last two years of her life. When she first began working in films she was introduced to Peter Lawford, then a friend of Sinatra’s and a member of the legendary Rat Pack. Lawford was also the brother-in law to then Senator John F. Kennedy, and may well have been introduced to Kennedy by Lawford during the 1960 Presidential campaign. Sinatra and Monroe remained friends throughout her career, but they were not regarded as dating until 1960.

During filming of The Misfits Marilyn frequently spent time off in Los Angeles, or at the Cal-Neva Lodge, then owned by Sinatra. One of the gifts Sinatra gave Marilyn was a small dog, to replace another which Arthur Miller had kept following their divorce. Marilyn named the dog Maf, short for mafia, as a sly dig at Sinatra’s alleged mob connections at the time. She was a frequent visitor to the Cal-Neva Lodge during the last years of her life. Another facet of her life she shared with Sinatra was the interest of the FBI, which kept extensive files on both of them.

Joe DiMaggio was retired from professional baseball when he began dating Marilyn Monroe, though he remained one of the most recognizable men in the United States. Famously proud but disdainful of celebrity, DiMaggio dated Marilyn for nearly two years before the two of them were married. He was one of the few men in her life at the time who had no involvement with Hollywood and the studio system. Even her doctors were part of the Hollywood world, answerable to the powerful heads of the studios at the time.

DiMaggio preferred privacy to celebrity, but Monroe’s carefully crafted image demanded the opposite. When she filed for divorce from DiMaggio, Life Magazine published photographs of her arriving to file the papers. The photos depict her in tears, clearly fraught with anguish over the end of her marriage. She cited mental cruelty as a cause for divorce, and some claimed the marriage was physically violent. Following her divorce from Arthur Miller she rekindled her friendship with DiMaggio, who never remarried.

Depending on the source, Marilyn Monroe had several abortions during her lifetime. Like the relationship with the Kennedys, there is little in the record to support the allegation. She did suffer at least two miscarriages during her marriage to Arthur Miller, and one ectopic pregnancy. But no evidence of her obtaining an abortion, at the behest of the studio, or a married lover, or for any other reason has ever been found.

There is considerable evidence that Marilyn wanted to have children, as her pregnancies during her marriage to Miller attest. Diagnosed with endometriosis she underwent surgery in an attempt to alleviate the condition, which is relatively rare and reportedly extremely painful. The pain likely contributed to her chronic use of painkilling drugs, and her seeming inability to carry a child to term undoubtedly added to her emotional problems. Still, there are those who claim Marilyn had several abortions, an accusation cited without evidence, in the face of evidence to the contrary.

Marilyn Monroe was still married to Joe DiMaggio when she began an affair with Arthur Miller, whom she had met several years earlier. Miller too was married at the time. After both were divorced their affair became public knowledge and they were married in a civil ceremony in June, followed by a Jewish ceremony on July 1, 1956. As noted above, Marilyn converted to Judaism, largely to gain acceptance by Miller’s family. Following their divorce she dropped all claims to Judaism. Their marriage was troubled, mostly from Marilyn’s miscarriages and ensuing health issues.

Arthur Miller wrote the screenplay for The Misfits. Marilyn disliked many of her scenes, demanding they be rewritten, and sometimes rewrote them herself. Other scenes were rewritten by Miller just hours before they were shot, leaving Marilyn unprepared for her new lines. The tensions of their marriage spilled over onto the set, and by the end of filming they decided to divorce. Miller later married Inge Morath, a photographer on the set of The Misfits, with whom some have alleged he had an affair as his marriage to Marilyn was ending.

Marilyn Monroe died from an overdose of barbiturates so massive that, according to the coroner’s report, could not possibly have been accidental. She had a large tolerance for barbiturates, having taken them for many years, both for physical and emotional pain. Her habit of drugging herself to sleep led to her needing to drug herself awake in order to meet shooting schedules and other appointments. Most of the drugs she took were prescribed, either by her physician or her psychiatrist. She also supplemented them with alcohol, though she was not known to be a heavy drinker in what was then a heavy drinking town.

In 2022 several websites focused on celebrities reported new evidence which suggests Marilyn died as a result of the use of an unidentified “party drug” administered via an enema. The fatal enema theory has been brought up in various forms many times, though with differing opinions as to who administered it, usually as part of a murder and coverup conspiracy theory. The theory dismisses the facts of Marilyn’s long dependence on prescription drugs, as well as her fragile emotional state and the circumstances of her death.

During the filming of Let’s Make Love, Marilyn Monroe and Yves Montand, the film’s stars, had a public affair which drew the attention of gossip columnists in America and France. Montand was married at the time to Simone Signoret, Marilyn to Arthur Miller. The affair ended with the completion of filming, with Montand publicly addressing the story with reporters. “Had Marilyn been more sophisticated, none of this ever would have happened”, Montand told reporters, adding “But, nothing will break up my marriage”.

Marilyn attempted to get back in touch with the French actor during the filming of The Misfits, evidently to no avail. Montand remained married to Simone Signoret until her death in 1985. Monroe, as noted, moved on to divorce Arthur Miller and did not remarry. Montand was but one of several extramarital affairs she had throughout her lifetime.

Marilyn Monroe remains a tragic figure, regarded as a symbol of American culture of the 1950s, with all of the good and bad such a persona entails. She advanced feminism by taking on the male dominated studio system, yet that same system exploited her image to line its pockets. She created her “dumb blonde” image and exploited it to the hilt, using her sexual allure to get what she wanted in films, and in life. She was far from the first blonde bombshell, nor the last, but she remains the epitome of the stereotype 60 years after her death.

It is virtually impossible to separate fact from fiction regarding her life, her many affairs, her relationships, and her tragic and untimely death. In many ways, she is still exploited by writers and film makers, eager to use her image and her popularity to make money, with truth optional. Over 300 biographies have been written about her, with varying dedication to facts. She remains a major marketing icon, as well as a cultural icon. She is also a character in novels, fictionalized depictions of her life and loves, which are too often regarded as truthful by fans and readers. Even with such immense coverage, the real Marilyn Monroe and her life’s story remains elusive, hidden beneath the glitzy blanket of Hollywood’s past.

How do we find this stuff? Here are our sources:

“Marilyn Monroe Helped Hugh Hefner, But Not By Choice”. Lulu Garcia-Navarro, National Public Radio. October 1, 2017

“Marilyn Monroe”. Entry, Britannica Online.

“Marilyn Monroe Was Discovered Working at a Radioplane Factory”. Article, Aviation Oil Outlet. July 19, 2017

“Inside Johnny Hyde and Marilyn Monroe’s relationship as revealed in a new doc”. Bruno Cooke, The Focus. May, 2022

“Blonde Bombshells: Sirens of the Silver Screen”. Article, Central Rappahannock Regional Library. February 9, 2022. Online

“Marilyn and her Monsters”. Sam Kashner, Vanity Fair. October 5, 2010

“A Brief History of Marilyn Monroe, the Iconic Blonde Bombshell”. Mark Villanueva, Herald Weekly. September 13, 2022

“The Real Story of Marilyn Monroe: Who was the Woman Behind the Mask?” Clemmie Read, Tatler. September 23, 2022

“Marilyn Monroe in Korea”. Alex Q. Arbuckle, Mashable. Online

“The Dark Story Behind Marilyn Monroe and ‘Mr. Z’”. Alexander Larman, The Telegraph. September 28, 2022

“The Secret Career Genius of Marilyn Monroe”. Elizabeth Winder, Marie Claire. July 26, 2017

“FBI Finally Unseals Marilyn Monroe File and Reveals Her ‘Communist’ Ties”. Anthony McCartney, Associated Press. December 28, 2012. Online

“The Mentor and the Movie Star”. Patricia Bosworth, Vanity Fair. June 1, 2003

“FBI files on Arthur Miller track communist links”. Article, Irish Times. June 22, 2006

“Nightmares on the Set: ‘Prince and the Showgirl’”. Elizabeth Blair, National Public Radio. November 24, 2011

“The Last Film of Marilyn Monroe and Clark Gable”. Article, Silver Screenings. Online

“They Fired Marilyn: Her dip lives on”. Article, Life Magazine. June 22, 1962

“The Death of Marilyn Monroe”. Frank Wilkins, Reel Reviews. Online

“The Truth About Marilyn Monroe’s Alleged Affair with John F. Kennedy”. Taysha Murtaugh, Women’s Day. September 29, 2017

“Norman Mailer”. Article, Unraveling the Slander of Marilyn Monroe. Online

“Marilyn Monroe’s Final Years”. Susan Doll, How Stuff Works. Online

“Did Marilyn Monroe Ever Get Pregnant Or Have Children? Everything to Know”. Jacqueline Tempera. Women’s Health. October 4, 2022

“The Blond Marilyn Monroe”. Paul Rudnick, TIME Magazine. June 14, 1999

Nothing Looks Beautiful Anymore

 Do you really think this looks like Marilyn Monroe? NO!

The concept of beauty is being redefined—not by genetics or societal consensus, but by algorithms, filters, and the cold precision of artificial intelligence.

For many, the perfect face is no longer born; it is built—designed by AI, refined by cosmetic surgery, retouched on photo-editing apps, and approved by dating algorithms.

In this landscape, even global beauty icons of the past—Marilyn Monroe, Grace Kelly, Cleopatra—are suddenly being called "mid," a Generation Z insult that translates to plain or average.

Newsweek

Remembering Marilyn

One day after Clint Eastwood's 95th birthday came what would have been No. 99 for Marilyn Monroe.

This is said about one who has been dead longer than she lived. She was not the most bankable, certainly not the most dependable, of Hollywood actresses. But from the first time she appeared on screen until she passed this life in 1962, age 36, she was a star.

Dial the time machine back to August 1962, when Monroe's body was found early on a Sunday morning in Los Angeles.

Dorothy Kilgallen, the most quotable Broadway columnist of Monroe's time, was working on a lead that Monroe, once married to a superstar in baseball (Joe DiMaggio) and another in literature (playwright Arthur Miller), had caught the eyes of someone in politics emitting even higher wattage.

It was common knowledge in the White House -- though perhaps not to First Lady Jacqueline Kennedy -- that Monroe had the 35th U.S. president's work phone on speed dial. Kilgallen, a panelist on CBS' weekly Sunday-night game show "What's My Line," all but dropped John F. Kennedy's name in a column released the week of Monroe's death.

But what if it was not the president but his brother Robert, the U.S. attorney general? Biographer Donald Spoto, in his 2001 book about Monroe, puts RFK in the bedroom with the fallen star, whose death was ruled a probable suicide almost before the body was cold.

Another hot item then concerned wedding bells for DiMaggio and his second wife. That rare man to succeed at two national pastimes (baseball and sex), as one wag put it, DiMaggio immediately took charge of her burial, first eliminating perceived undesirables from the guest list: the Kennedys and singer Frank Sinatra among them.

Norman Mailer wrote a book about Monroe -- but who didn't? -- terming the actress as the American man's "sweet angel of sex."

All this for one unlikely to be included with Katharine Hepburn, Bette Davis and Elizabeth Taylor on any career top-10 list of Hollywood actresses.

If Hollywood producers then ever looked at something besides the bottom line or casting couch, they might have perceived something immediately recognized by A-list directors. That one Norma Jean Mortenson lit up the screen whenever photographed, often for great effect in some classic movies of the 1950s, her peak period.

Early in the decade, she stole scenes in "All About Eve," the Joseph L. Mankiewicz-written-and-directed inside look at Broadway. Davis and Anne Baxter received Best Actress Oscar nominations though there was nothing for Monroe, who holds her own in a party scene with 1950's Best Supporting Actor, George Sanders.

At decade's end, she appeared in perhaps Hollywood's greatest comedy, "Some Like It Hot," opposite Jack Lemmon and Tony Curtis in a film written and directed by Billy Wilder with a closing line for the record books.

Wilder, who in 1950 evinced an Oscar-worthy performance from silent star Gloria Swanson in "Sunset Boulevard," filmed the scene that effectively sundered DiMaggio's marriage to Monroe.

The indelible image from 1955's "The Seven-Year Itch" is that of Monroe's skirt top flying high in the air as she stands over a New York subway grating at night. DiMaggio, among the onlookers, might well have engaged in domestic violence on that occasion, historians note.

Miller wrote the screenplay for 1961's "The Misfits," the last major Hollywood effort for Monroe, Clark Gable and Montgomery Clift. John Huston directed what Monroe dismissed as a scorecard of Marilyn's private life. Gable, too old to play the lead as an aging cowboy in a new-age Western, died shortly after the film's release; Monroe got bad press for all but shooing Gable into the grave with her erratic shooting schedule.

In the end, Kilgallen wrote that the LA coroner's autopsy was pretty accurate, that her whole life amounted to a "suicide note." Another view was that she knew too much about certain people to live long and that the list of her possible slayers is lengthy, inside and outside government.

Elton John later wrote a song about Monroe, with "Candle in the Wind" modified after the 1997 death of Princess Diana, another luminary who died young and tragically. As Monroe nears her centenary, can any current entertainment stars expect such tribute when they pass this earth?

Bob Wisener

The Sentinel-Record 

What this article doesn't tell you is Dorothy Kilgallen died on November 7, 1965, with the cause was ruled an overdose of barbiturate and alcohol.  It didn't take long before the first ripples of innuendo about possible foul play begin to spread, and they would soon become wider concentric circles.  Much of the speculation centered around Kilgallen's journalistic investigation of and commentary on the JFK assassination.  The conspiracy theory goes that many people associated with Kennedy--or just those who had some information about the assassination--tended to turn up dead before long.  Dorothy died not long after writing about the Warren Commission report. Some conspiracy theorists felt that some parties who wanted the president dead would want Dorothy dead for the same reasons.

River Run Free

 The public often imagines private investigation as a thrilling, glamorous profession. The reality, however, is often more mundane. While there are certainly moments of excitement, it's far from the Hollywood image. My own path began with a childhood imbued with relentless curiosity. I was drawn to the unseen, the overheard, and the hidden. Those childhood games of espionage weren't just play; they were a prelude to my future career.

For nearly three decades, I have worked as a private investigator and currently serve as the CEO of Ariel Investigations. My work is profoundly fulfilling, both mentally and spiritually, as I advocate for victims of abuse, including women, children, and animals. Throughout my career, I have had the privilege of reuniting families with their loved ones and supporting survivors of rape, stalking, harassment, and domestic

I've been in a loving relationship for 35 years, and together, we are helping raise our grandson, and granddaughter, which brings immense joy to my life.The joy of bringing 'Oolygalees,' a children's book co-created with my granddaughter, into the world through self-publishing, and the completion of 'River Run Free,' has fueled my creative drive. Now, I'm channeling that energy into finishing my novel, 'Secrets & Lies,' and finding a publisher for 'River Run Free.' Though other stories wait in the wings, these are the projects commanding my attention.

River Run Free is a touching tale of love, loss, and unwavering courage.

Twelve-year-old Thelma has always known the quiet beauty of the Rocky Boy Indian Reservation in Montana. Thelma shared a deep bond with her grandfather and his beloved horse, River. When her grandfather passes away one summer, grief weighs heavily on her heart—not only from losing the man she adored but from the fear of another impending loss.

Among the tribe’s oldest traditions is a sacred custom: when a person of great importance dies, their horse is buried alongside them. Thelma believes this ritual must be honored, unaware that it has not been practiced for many years. With her heart set on saving River, she makes a bold decision—to set him free.

Determined to save River, Thelma embarks on a brave journey through treacherous mountains and raging rivers, facing a wolf, mountain lion, and the unknown—all in the name of love and freedom.

Join Thelma on an unforgettable adventure of resilience and hope, where a young girl’s devotion to her horse leads to a journey of self-discovery and strength.

Ann Wilkinson - Betrayal - excerpts from my book

Ann Wilkinson entered my life in a week after Easter 1988. The day was simply stunning; spring had arrived, and I cherished the scent and sound of the ocean. Ann was graceful, standing around five feet tall, with flowing blond hair and lovely blue eyes. She lived just a few houses away from me. Her husband, Tim, a Marine Corps officer, and his wife were also from Minnesota, the same as Russ. Interestingly, despite living in the officers' new housing on Camp Pendleton, I never really noticed Ann or her husband. They seemed to fade into the background for me at that time.

I stopped by the mailbox one day to pick up my mail, as I did every day. The mailboxes were located at the cul-de-sac entrance.

While checking my mail, I heard a voice call out, “Hey, when did you get a new car? That’s really nice!” 

I looked around, trying to locate the source of the voice, and saw a woman leaning over the fence.

“It’s a rental,” I replied. “My car is in the shop after I got into a car accident a few days ago.”

“Oh, are you okay?” she asked.

“Yes, I am. Thank you,” I said with a smile.

“I’m glad to hear that! My name is Ann. We haven’t seen you at the playground lately, and we wondered if you were doing alright.” 

The playground, I thought to myself. I never noticed anyone there, probably because I never took the time to look. My thoughts were always somewhere else.

“Yes, I’m fine. Just dealing with some issues since my husband left for deployment.”

“I’d really like to get to know you better. I'm having a Tupperware party on Saturday. Would you please come?!”

"Yes, I will"

"Great, I can't wait to see you."

And with that, she disappeared behine her fence. 

Kevin played with the kids at the Tupperware party, but I found myself more focused on Ann than on the woman selling the products. I had never been so captivated by someone before, and my feelings for Ann were unlike anything I had ever felt. She kept looking at me too, and there was this instant attraction between us.

Ann was the first person in years who made an effort to talk to me, and it truly brightened my day. That evening, I decided to go out to the playground, and Ann arrived just a few moments later. I loved our conversations; she was one of the nicest people I had ever met. 

We sat outside and talked for hours. It was a delight for Kevin too, as it allowed him to play with the other kids instead of being cooped up in the house. It was the first night I hadn’t had a drink since Russ left. 

As time went on, our friendship deepened into a profound connection. We became inseparable, spending every day together, and I experienced a sense of comfort and emotions I had never known. I decided to rent one of the mobile homes on base for Memorial weekend, conveniently located a few feet from the ocean. My family joined me, and so did Ann. We were less than three minutes from her house. 

The evenings were magical, especially when Ann came to visit. We would gather around a fire, roast marshmallows, and listen to the soothing sounds of the waves crashing against the shore. Sitting in the sand by the water, we talked for hours. Occasionally, she would gently lay her hand over mine, leaving me with a mix of uncertainty and excitement as her presence stirred something deep inside me.

The time apart felt endless. 

One morning, as the sun began to rise, I took a stroll along the shore, watching dolphins swim by. Standing there, tears slowly started to fall from my eyes, though I couldn’t quite understand why—maybe it was because Russ was coming home soon. I could see his ship on the horizon, which meant he would be home in a few days. The fresh air filled my lungs, and the sky was incredibly clear. The sounds of the dolphins were enchanting, and all I could feel at that moment was the cool saltwater washing over my feet.

Occasionally a mild scent of bacon and eggs would bring me back to reality. I began getting hungry; smelling the food was a change for me from the last few months. On the last evening, everyone sat around the fire, talking and cooking marshmallows as usual. I sat alone, looking out at the ocean and feeling confused inside. I had already pulled away from Russ because of the affair he had when he was in officers' school.

Ann and I spent every day together, and I even stopped drinking. I felt good about our friendship and a sense of comfort that I had never experienced before.  Ann's husband, Tim, was often preoccupied with golfing or watching television. He didn’t seem to care where Ann was or what she was doing. Instead, he just wanted his house kept clean, his meals prepared, and expected intimacy every night. He was a short man, around five feet four, with blonde hair that he mostly shaved off, and he had an arrogant attitude. Ann often complained about his demands for sex every night. 

Ann and Tim had a daughter named Kristin, who was just a few months younger than Kevin. I had taken Ann to my mom's house a few times, without Jim. We usually opted for a hotel if Jim was there during our visits. My mom seemed annoyed with Ann, though I never understood why, and honestly, I didn’t care. At times, Ann and I would go for a drive to get some privacy.

Tim Wilkinson

When Russ came home in June, Ann and I cherished our daytime moments together, but we always felt the need to see each other before bed. We often took long walks along the beach, eventually sitting down to watch the waves and talk. On the walk home, I felt more confused than ever. When I returned, Russ and Kevin were asleep on the couch. I gently placed a blanket over them and went to bed alone, where I cried myself to sleep.

As the days passed, I found myself resenting Russ's return. I couldn’t spend time with Ann as freely as I used to, which put a strain on our friendship. The only moments we could find to be together were when Tim and Russ were at work. Every evening after dinner, Ann and I would continue our daily walk along the beach, relishing the rarity of our solitude. Tim and Russ kept the kids occupied during those times.

During our walks, Ann often confided in me about her unhappiness with her marriage and how she couldn't stand being intimate with Tim any longer. I understood her feelings all too well, as I was unhappy in my own marriage. My distance from Russ had begun long before Ann entered my life; he had cheated on me multiple times, and I had suffered the heartbreak of losing two of our dogs because he ignored my concerns. One of those dogs, Kelly, had been with me since childhood, and her loss left a deep scar.

Russ was on duty for twenty-four hours the night before Ann was set to leave. While Kevin slept upstairs, I began drinking, troubled by the thought of Ann being away for two weeks. With Kevin asleep, I sat on the couch listening to Barbara Mandrell. When her song "Married But Not to Each Other" started playing, it struck a chord. The song is about two people in love but not with their spouses, mirroring my situation with Ann and my fear of hurting Russ. Around 11:30 PM, Ann came to see me. I was on the couch, and she sat beside me.

Ann moved closer and laid her head on my shoulder. My stomach quivered with a mix of nerves and arousal. I had never felt anything like it before. I looked at Ann, and we started kissing. It felt natural and good. She took off her bra, and I began caressing her breasts.

Touching her aroused me, and I didn't think about Russ. All that mattered was Ann, and neither of us wanted the evening to end. However, Ann had a flight to catch the next day. She left around 2:30 in the morning. After she left, I sat on the couch, reflecting on what had happened. I never went to sleep, just watched the sunrise through the open curtains.

I went to Ann's house around 9:00 AM. We were both exhausted, but I needed to understand what had happened that night and what to do about it. While Ann curled her hair in the bathroom, she bent down and told me she was in love with me. As I drove her, Tim, and Kristin to the airport, I couldn't figure out what to make of her confession. She was leaving for two weeks to visit family in Minnesota, which felt even more complicated since Russ's family was also there, and we were planning to leave just a few days after Ann returned.

After saying goodbye at the airport, Ann kept calling to express her love for me and urged me to hold on until she came back. I trusted her and believed everything she said, but her words left me tangled in questions about myself and my emotions. How could I possibly know what to do with my feelings when I didn’t even fully understand them? I was in love with a woman who had awakened something within me that no one else ever had. Throughout her absence, the days stretched on and felt like the longest two weeks of my life, as my thoughts revolved around Ann.

A few weeks later, Ann returned from Minnesota. I picked her up at the airport; Tim had flown back a few days earlier for work. After a brief drive, we found a secluded area just before we entered the Marine Base. The kids were asleep in our van so we embraced and kissed each other deeply.

A week and a half after Ann's return, Russ and I were preparing for our trip to Minnesota. I was hesitant to go, especially since Ann and I had become physically intimate several times since she had come back. I had never expected to be with a woman in that way, but the experience with Ann had been incredible, and I cherished the intimacy we shared. It was satisfying and comfortable, and the thought of leaving made me fear that those feelings would fade.

The night before Russ and I were supposed to leave, I poured myself a few glasses of vodka mixed with orange juice. Overwhelmed, I began to cry because the idea of leaving felt unbearable. I worried about how Russ would handle it all, but I felt lost regarding what to do next. Soon, Russ came downstairs to check on me, concern etched on his face.

“What are you doing down here, Becky? You should be in bed since we have a long drive tomorrow,” he said, his voice filled with concern.

"I don't want to go to Minnesota. Please take Kevin and go without me."

"What the fuck are you talking about? What is wrong with you lately?"

"I don't know, Russ. I don't want to go."

We got into a huge argument, and I had drunk so much that I couldn't even think straight. I went upstairs, and got our gun, and went to the garage where I was crying uncontrollably. I was so upset.  I couldn't deal with Ann and Russ pulling me in different directions. My guilt about Ann was getting worse every day. A few hours later, Russ walked into the garage looking for me.

"What are you doing out here?" 

"You don't understand, Russ. I don't want to go. I have to stay home. Please, Russ, let me stay, or I'll blow my head off."

Russ didn't know what to do, so he called Ann to see if she could talk to me. Ann came over and talked me into putting the gun down. Russ went upstairs so Ann and I could speak alone.

"Ann, I want to leave Russ. I have thought it over and decided I want to be with you."

"I love you too, but you can't leave Russ yet. We need to take it slow, and I promise I will be there for you when you return. We will work things out then."

I finally agreed, but I was miserable during the trip. I closed off everyone in Russ's family, including Russ. During most of the trip, I sat in the back of the van looking out the window with headphones on and the outside world turned off. Russ and I fought every day while we were gone, and I ran off every chance I had to call Ann or just to be alone. Russ's parents knew something was wrong, but they had no idea it had to do with another woman.

Ann kept calling me while I was in Minnesota to tell me she wanted to be with me and was still very much in love. Things changed a few days before we were driving back to California. Ann called me and told me that she was pregnant. Ann said she was confused about everything and needed to try to fix her marriage, saying she wanted to be friends, but the intimacy had to stop. I didn't know what to say. I loved Ann so much, but my friendship meant everything to me. No matter how much it hurt, I respected what Ann wanted and agreed.

On our drive home, I prayed a lot and tried to let go of Ann. I had to try to make things better with Russ. We talked the whole two thousand miles of our trip home. We both agreed to work harder on our marriage and to try to communicate better. He promised that he would control his temper. I stayed home, tried to be a good wife, and didn't even call Ann. I needed time to overcome the fact that we would not be as close as we once were. However, Ann started calling me, but I didn't answer the phone. She would knock at the door for a few days, so I finally gave in and let her come inside. We walked upstairs to the bedroom because I needed to check on Kevin who was taking a nap.

"I think you should stay away so I can work on my marriage. I'm confused because that is what you wanted."

"I know, Becky, but it is so hard. I love you, and I want to be with you."

I looked at her, feeling at a loss. I didn't know what to say anymore.

"I'm not happy with Tim. I am so jealous of Russ, and I can't stand sitting at my house knowing you are having sex with him."

"What do you want from me? You are messing with my head."

"I'm so in love with you, Becky, and I need you."

She lays me on the bed, I'm trying to understand what she was saying. Ann began kissing me, and I couldn't stop kissing her back. We were both happy and decided to make a plan to leave. Ann and Russ constantly yelled at me about one another, and my depression started again.

I hurt my back due to all the stress and began to have muscle spasms. My doctor gave me some pain pills, and I used them to numb myself. Between the medications and the alcohol, I would close off the whole world. Kevin became my entire focus. He was the one person I could love and who loved me in return.

I wanted to be far away from everyone. Each day became more difficult for me to function. I didn't want to feel anything anymore. My feelings of being lost and confused with my life emotionally destroyed me. One night after Russ went to bed, I swallowed ten pain pills, drank a bottle of vodka, and hid in the garage. A few hours passed before Ann and Russ found me. They called 911, and I was rushed to the hospital, where they gave me a shot to make me vomit. A psychologist came in to talk with me.

"Why did you want to kill yourself?" the woman asked.

"I didn't want to kill myself. I just wanted to make the yelling and pain disappear," I replied.

We spoke briefly, and then I explained what had been happening with Ann and Russ. The psychologist decided I needed to go to a psychiatric hospital for at least a seventy-two-hour evaluation. I agreed because it meant getting away from everyone and clearing my head. An ambulance arrived at the hospital; they placed me in a straitjacket and took me to a psychiatric hospital about twenty minutes from the house.

"What has happened over the last year, and how do I fix it?" I just kept thinking.

The following day, I called Ann to talk to her. She started to cry when she found out I was in a psychiatric hospital. She apologized for everything that had happened over the last eight months. I told her I had been confused, and all the game-playing made it challenging to move on. She planned on visiting me later that day. 

The psychiatrist entered my room after I hung up and took me to a private conference room.

"How are you this morning?" the doctor asked.

"Fine."

"Then tell me, why did you want to commit suicide?"

"I don't know if I wanted to commit suicide or if I wanted the problem to go away for a while."

"What problem would that be?"

"Well, I suppose it would be Russ and Ann."

"And who are Russ and Ann?"

"Russ is my controlling, jealous husband who has anger issues. Ann is my best friend who I have fallen in love with."

"I see. Have you been sexually involved with her?" "Touching, but I never thought anything like this would happen."

"Are you a lesbian?"

"No. What makes you think I'm a lesbian?"

"Well, you're kissing and touching another woman. What would you say that makes you?"

"Being a lesbian is a sin; I can't be one. I just can't!" 

"Who told you it's a sin to be a lesbian?"

"My family, society, and God."

"Okay, Becky. Then let's say that you're bi-sexual. What do you want to do now?"

"Why do I have to be labeled? Why can't I be in love with her? I'm so confused. I love Russ, but I'm completely whole with Ann. Please help me figure out what I can do?"

"I can't. Only you can make that decision. I'm here for you to talk to and try to help you along the way. The final decision will have to be yours. I do think you should have Russ and Ann stay away for a while so you can figure this out."

We ended the session that way, leaving me no better off than before. That evening, Ann came to visit me and told me she still loved me and wanted to leave Tim to be with me. Following the psychiatrist's advice, I decided to stay in the hospital for a week to figure things out. I asked Russ to stay away, and he did. I should have told Ann the same thing, but I didn't.

Ann attended a few therapy sessions with my psychiatrist and me. She told the psychologist that she was in love with me and wanted to ask her husband for a divorce. Ann said she would tell her husband as soon as I left Russ. I never took the time or made the effort to resolve my issues when I knew we would be together. I just buried them and pretended like the problems didn't exist.

After seeing Ann every day and not seeing Russ, I concluded that Ann was who I wanted in my life. I asked Russ for a divorce the day before leaving the hospital. He was distraught, and I felt horrible for causing him so much pain. The hospital released me on a Friday night. I stayed with Ann, but Russ refused to let me see Kevin. Russ had Kevin hidden, and the military police wouldn't help me because Russ convinced them that I had escaped from a psychiatric hospital.

Even after showing the military police my release papers, they sided with Russ. They allowed me into the house just long enough to gather a few clothes. While inside, I grabbed one of Kevin's stuffed animals and the letters I had written to him over the years. Russ had opened them, and he had no right to do that.

I headed to Ann's place. Tim didn't mind me staying with them; he spent most of the weekend playing golf. Despite being with Ann, my depression and insecurities grew. I lay on Kristin's bed for two days, staring at the ceiling and holding Kevin's musical teddy bear, playing the song Jesus loves me! This I know, For the Bible tells me so; over and over.

Ann would cry, begging me to talk to her, unable to bear listening to the musical teddy bear anymore. I didn't want to talk to Ann. My pain was unbearable. The thought of Russ taking Kevin away had never occurred to me. Kevin had been my life, and Russ knew that.

After days of begging, Russ finally let me see Kevin, but only if I talked to the Military Chaplain. We sat on a bench outside. I tried to express my feelings while the Chaplain told me I would go to hell if my relationship with Ann didn't stop. Confused and desperate to see my son, I reluctantly agreed.

The next day, I left to stay at a hotel just to sppend time with Kevin. Russ agreed, but i had to take him back the next day. I made the mistake of calling Ann. She kept calling me, begging to see me until I finally gave in. I met her at her house, insisting we talk outside to avoid any physical contact. The kids played while Ann kept telling me how much she loved me. She always brought back my confusion. She was an addiction, one that needed to stop.

Russ didnt have anyway to keep Kevin, so he gave me custody. I stayed at a nearby hotel. My hotel stay was for five days. Russ finally canceled the credit card, making me have to go home. By the time I went home, Ann and I had already engaged in sexual intercourse. Russ, Ann, and I sat together on the stairs of our house to talk. I only wanted to talk to Russ, but Ann insisted on staying. My attempts to explain everything to Russ weren't going anywhere because Ann kept talking. She told Russ everything about what had happened between us, even told Russ things he didn't need to know. 

It was hard for me to sit there and listen to Ann talk to Russ because his pain made my guilt unbearable. For a short time, Russ seemed excited about my sexual relationship with Ann. He kept asking us for a threesome and would become angry when we refused. He threatened to tell Tim about everything, but Ann begged him not to, promising she would do it herself. She also assured me she would tell Tim. That was a lapse in judgment on my part.

Ann and I continued seeing each other during the day but not at night. Every night, Russ would yell at me, demanding to know where I had been and if I had seen Ann. Over the next few weeks, his cruel words and hurtful remarks made me feel like I deserved the pain.

Russ was starting to realize our marriage was over, so he agreed to let me take Kevin and leave. He said he didn't have the time or energy to care for Kevin. Even though Russ knew it was over between us, he knew leaving would get Ann away from me. We moved everything into storage. He helped me buy a new truck to get a job to support Kevin and me. Russ was willing to do anything for me at the time. He was hoping that if he got me away from Ann, we could work on saving our marriage. 

Kevin and I stayed at my brother's house for a few days. Ann kept calling me, telling me she would stay with Tim until  I found a place to live. She insisted she was going to join me and that she loved me. Why didnt she just leave me alone?

Russ called me every night, still trying to win me back, insisting it wasn't my fault. He said Ann was playing games with me and that she would break up with me after leaving. He was right. On the third day after I left, Ann called me in a panic. She said she had thrown all my letters, cards, and gifts in the trash because she didn't want Tim to find them. She knew that if she got rid of everything, Tim would never learn the truth, and then she hung up.

My thoughts were scattered, and my heart was broken. I kept calling her, desperate to understand what had happened and why she had lied to me. She would laugh at me and then tell me she loved me. She said she was confused and that the pregnancy had made her reconsider. Why now? I kept asking why she did this to me, why she didn't leave me alone when she first told me she was pregnant and that it was over. Why take everything from me and then say all of this? What a cruel thing she did, not only to me but also to Russ.

I couldn't take it anymore. One night, I was so drunk that I had my gun in my hand, contemplating suicide. Kevin played with my niece in the other room, and my brother found me on the bedroom floor. He begged me to give him the gun, but my thoughts were everywhere, convinced my life was over. I put the gun to my head, ready to pull the trigger, when my sister-in-law brought Kevin into the room. My God, what was I thinking? My son walked over to me, and my life was about to end. I thought about what would happen to my son if he saw his mom blow off her head. I gave my gun to my brother, hugged Kevin, and everything seemed okay, but the police had already been called.

They handcuffed me and took me to the San Bernardino County Department of Behavioral Health. I spoke to the officer about my thoughts and what had happened. There was a lot of time to talk since it took an hour to reach our destination. Russ was there by the time we arrived. My brother had called him, and he was the last person I expected to see, especially since he drove further than the officer. After speaking with the psychiatrist, they released me to Russ. He had always been there for me, but it was too late when I realized it. We talked during the drive to my brother's house. He wanted me to come back to him and start over.

My thoughts were a mess. I asked Russ to be patient while I tried to fix myself. There was nothing I could say to make him feel better. I didn't even feel good about myself. However, I often apologized during our drive to my brother's place. Russ saw Kevin before heading back to Camp Pendleton. My brother informed me that his in-laws wanted me to leave since the house belonged to them.

My dad let me move in for as long as I needed. My drinking increased as Russ kept sending me money, and I had nothing else to do. I repeatedly tried to get Ann to explain what had happened and attempted to tell Tim, but Ann convinced him I was a liar and not to listen to me. My conversation with Tim confirmed he knew nothing. 

Then one of Ann's sisters called me to inform me that I was a sick person and that I better leave Ann alone or she would come to California to shove a plunger up my vagina and kick my ass. I told her to come, and my pain turned into anger. I continued calling Ann, desperate to know what had happened and how she could change so drastically overnight. She never answered the phone, and if anyone did, it was Tim. I was surprised he was at home. Something had happened, but I would never know what or why.

About a month after I moved away, Tim and Ann got a restraining order against me. I didn't care about the order; I just wanted to hear what Ann had to say, so I went to court. Tim claimed he was concerned I would physically hurt Ann and that my calls were excessive. Of course, Ann never said a word or looked my way. Tim asserted that I had tried to seduce his wife, that he considered me crazy and dangerous, and that he was worried about his family's safety. He was such a blind idiot. How could he not know? I stood in front of the judge and told the absolute truth. I explained that I was a suicidal person, not a homicidal one. Hurting Ann or anyone else had never crossed my mind. Russ was in the courthouse and told the judge I was telling the truth. Ann just stood there, not looking at me or saying a word.

After returning to my dad's, I retreated into a nightly routine of drinking, the days blurring into a haze of resentment towards Ann. My mind was a constant loop of how she had derailed my life. My father, burdened by his own struggles, seemed oblivious to my pain, or perhaps unable to address it. The affair itself, a daughter involved with another woman, was likely a truth too difficult for my family to process, explaining their silence. Ann had fractured my world, and a desire for retribution flickered within me. The thought of exposing her to her family crossed my mind, but it wasn't in my nature to inflict that kind of pain.

The truth of Ann's actions remains elusive, locked away in her silence. Now, thirty-five years later, the questions linger, though I've formed my own conjectures. Perhaps pregnancy played a role, or familial disapproval, or maybe she believed forcing a separation was the only way to truly let go. The reasons remain unknown. What is clear is the profound cruelty of her actions, a stark contrast to the person I believed her to be during those intense four months. Yet, time has allowed for a measure of peace. I can finally say that I forgive her. I sincerely hope she has found happiness and health in her life. Ultimately, despite the pain, she gave me the experience of my first true love.

Kristin and Ann Wilkinson